My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
