i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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