I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
