so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
