Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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