Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
