Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We need to get me chipped asap
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
