how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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