ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
