I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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