just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
