just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
