well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
