oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
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I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
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Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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