Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize