I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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