I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
