Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
