Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I didn't notice because vodka
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
