It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
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I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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