i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
