my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
