So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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