A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
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apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
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How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"