If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
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I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else