New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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