she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
