I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
