Who did Billy Mays play for?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
