I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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