so explain again why im purple
no
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
