Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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