there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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