When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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