Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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