There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Ladies don't puke and tell
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
