This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
