his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
