her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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