i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
