My liver just broke up with me...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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