I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
