Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
