i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
