If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
