This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
