You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
