When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
