I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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