Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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