I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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