I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I have feelings that need drinking.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
