I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
