Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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