I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
