Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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