i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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