Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
