One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
