The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
