Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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