every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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