Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
