She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
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you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
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I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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